Confided in pages
by Cutetyhil
Summary: Just figuring out what was wrong with her was proving tough. Unlike her, he was carefree and cheerful. Here was she who would be the underdog, and there's him who lived the life, truly. A short series of Hilary's entries.
1. Chapter 1

**||Confided in pages||**

13th April, 18

Dear Kitty,

Before I was gonna start writing this entry, I was wondering what I'll be really speaking though I had so much to say. I'm broken so many times. I'm shattered million times… but then I'm joined through the pieces to stand once again.

They think I'm cheerful, bossy, maybe an idiot wanting nothing but to boss around. They think I got a dementia just because I wasn't quick remembering they asked me make dinner. They think I'm an over exceedingly extrovert and just want the things I want to be done. I'm impatient, stupid and irritating and I'm wanted to be gotten rid. That wasn't really I was expecting from my sisters. Then, why do I stay there…

(It's my home, no, house, I've to stay there..)

Hey…

Hey…

Why are these tears falling? I don't want to spoil these sheets. Stop them.

Stop them from shedding. Revive me; smile.

Revive me.

What do I need to do more Kitty? I had tried my best to be the best student, a loyal cheerleader, a helpful one and a responsible daughter. Please…don't say me I'm _nothing._

"Nothing"?

Even the word seems less empty then myself.

I've wished and wanted a few things just like any being does. It's not always true that we achieve what we just want. There had to be certain things done, things that are associated.

What did I lack?

Patience?

Softness?

Hardworking capacity?

Tenderness?

Hope in God that everything is gonna be alright?

Obedience?

What….?

I suppress my wishes 'cause they are perhaps just can't be granted right now. I'm tired and defeated over and over again.

Today…Emily won again and I loose… What is that that it's always her that's above me?

Why do I rarely do better? Though it does mean that I can do better than her, then why?

I was controlling my throbbing heart beats all through the recess and when it was done, shortly afterwards, there was a huge pandemonium in the class filled with agog of excitement. My fingers were shaking but I dint move, neither did Emily. She continued reading, seeming very impervious, like she knew she would be the winner…

My eyes were constantly looking at the door, where he would come; laugh a little speaking rubbish and give me a soft kiss on forehead congratulating me that I was…

But he didn't… rather he came close and gave a light hug and that's when I understood I've not done it this time yet. His head was though briefly, when on my shoulder, I glanced at her noticing giving a sigh of relief pass her lips which was replaced by a smile of victory. Though I hate to admit, it didn't include any malice or ego or any pride but I was, well, sorta jealous.

Me, as usual, second.

 _Later,_ he says me during lunch that I'm ungrateful, can never enjoy the little happiness in life and is too much ambitious. He says that he is shocked to see me. That was a little said in-too deep.

To quote my words, I've said him, "What did I ever ask you for Ty, just a little kiss on my forehead?" It was rather a sigh as I held my chin in my palm encircling fingers around.

HaHa! His reaction was a little humorous; he gasped first, mouth dropping to table, looked around, then in a defensive way he pointed towards me, his fingers and said, "I can't kiss you until you gets the first rank, you yourself knows that too well!"

I nodded and sighed simultaneously. "I'd kiss you every day and hour if that makes you happy Hils." He chuckled with a smirk quickly forming.

"Hn, no thanks." I folded my lips and we laughed a little.

That's what had happened. He's just too wrong. He just don't know how broken I'm, that I didn't mean what exactly I said, but at the end of the day, I'm forced to laugh a bit, because ofor him, though my mind ends daily on thinking of new strategies and ideas how to be more efficient…

 **A short fic I wanted to write, Hilary being the underdog. Well, I want to say something: "It all comes to an end today, and I don't know if I'm really happy that I've done it or not, seriously." Yes, you are right. I'm done with whatever I was saying and maybe you can expect the updates though I've severe mood swings even for reading stories, far is thought of writing or uploading. But still, as I'd committed (committed?) I'll try and will write and upload. Please pray for me! For whatever I've been wanting, that I achieve it! Do you, know what's today? If you do, then perhaps you'll be knowing what I'm speaking of. Anyway, take care and you guys tell me what updates you want, if any. Take care.**


	2. Chapter 2

16th April, 18

Dearest Kitty,

Half of my worries seem to fade away at the thought of writing to you. It's just so true that you've become my best friend and the source where I can express myself without constrain. I'm so fucking tired today, but still I've been determined to write to you today and hence I've mustered some courage to find my pen and gather this.

Say Lucky or not, but I've completed entire Physical sciences today. You might be wondering why 'unlucky'. That's because I know I'll again need a revision as the weekend arrives. Today was much a day of calm. Tyson was absent, and as usual everyone asked me about it and I simply said that he's suffering from diarrhea. I don't know why I said such a stupid reason but no other idea popped in my mind then and for the rest of day I continued lying. From that, I remember, I've to call that idiot and tell him to say the same reason tomorrow or whenever he will be appearing to the campus.

On the other note, I've not been much tired when I came home, and have helped my sisters washing dishes and cleaning kitchen. Camryn had fried chicken. Yum! That's why I love Cam! She never complains when it comes to work, unlike Freya and Jaqueline who always argue how much share they should get of work, and subtly puts a major part of it on me. Then I've ironed tomorrow's suit and dumped the washed clothes in my closet, not finding the stamina or mood to fold them or press them. I thought to do it together along with Fred's and Cam's after writing the weekend exam.

Mrs. Liana Dales was a mess today. Her prominent cream colored purse was spoiled; been blue inked. Kevin was punished for his mistake; of course the poor guy was in detention for the whole day. That's where I was wrong when I felt bad for him that he missed the class. To quote his words, "If I knew, that we don't have to study anything during detention, I'd have long back spoiled that old hag's purse and enjoyed the day." I sighed. That's what one could expect from him.

I was thinking almost one quarter or more than that of Emily. I've never seen her distracted even for once. Even when Michael tries his best to get her a break, she seems very impervious.

Unlike her, here am I who can't concentrate if anything funny goes around. At lunch times, she seems completely different; it look like as if she barely studies, when she continually rags Michael along with Rick and others, perhaps as to compensate his funny tricks of distracting her during her study time. Maybe. Then as soon as the bell rings- In the class, no more funny business- The Emily and The book. That's it. She studies a whole lot Biological Sciences and never seems bored. I hardly see her studying Physics, yet whenever anyone comes to her to ask a doubt or question, she's proved to be the Einstein by answering in wits, such that the guy or girl whoever asked the question smiles fully for understanding with such clarity. Though we sit usually on first or second bench as per the convenience, we are always in different rows. She, in the middle and I at the left one. We've barely talked with each other, though whenever we've did, she has been kind and it felt quite awkward that the two class toppers conversing with each other. We've never been the girls for beybattling. That sport is meant for guys and I barely participate in it, except when I'm compelled to do so, and most of the times I'm just so simply kicked out. That's the only opportunity they get to laugh at me out loud heartily with hoarse voices mustering the energy of all the food they ate during the whole weak. The same thing goes with Emily, though she had managed to beat a few newbie players. But I don't think she is actually interested in the sport, neither am I. I think this entry is whole lot becoming about Emily herself than about me. Maybe she doesn't even write entries, maybe she prefers to read something lieu scribbling some junk. I don't know if she ever faces any kind of emotional or any sorts of problems that I face. Well, better, leave it!

I'm a little worried of Tyson. He doesn't pay much attention and his Grandpa seems to be worried. I'd promised him I'd help Tyson but he just is so irregular. What can I do! I seriously don't mind the idiots of my class telling useless rumors of us (the same they've done for Emily and Michel last month, and Emily being wiser, ignored as if she's not even Emily, seriously.) I mean, are they freaks or blinds or what! We are just friends! That's all! I don't care! I'll help him and make him better, that's all.

Oh yeah, I've forgotten to say you, I've received a present today from Max. He'd sent me Deep blue Jeans and a sea blue T- shirt along with a box of Ferro-Rocher. I wanted to try it but I guess I'm too tired to do anything else.

I've to get early to start Chemistry in the morning and I'll prepare some chicken sandwich, that is, if there is any chicken left in the fridge, if my merciful sisters left something.

Okay, bye, speak to you later, probably tomorrow.

 **A/N: Thanks to all my dearest reviewers! Subha, Desires of Autumn Leaves, The-Next-You-Know-Who, Neha, Blue lightning of Sky, Makoto, Goldmineempire and Jaya! That means a lot! Just a note, Fred is Hilary's brother. You've learnt about her sisters a little and the rest and more details will be mentioned in the upcoming entries.**


	3. Chapter 3

14th June, 18

Dearest kitty,

I sighed before I started writing to you. I mean, what should I write you after what all happened.

I just want to lie down, breathe in and go in a slumber. There is so much I want to say but my inner demons are scaring me. Everything seems so wrong you know.

My mood wasn't the best after I returned. I was- (I don't know why but I swear I'm getting an uncomfortable feeling bubbling in my chest; either I'm gonna go unconscious or start out crying)- already too tired. (sighs again in fear ).

Today's results weren't the best. Look, I'm an underdog here and no matter how much efforts, wits and brains I put in there, it just doesn't work. Everything seems plain. It's just the same. It seems as if the gears of my mind are untouched. I'm just too good than others doesn't mean I'm the _best_ here. The very word (best) shakes me from inside and the thought of our constant infallible topper starts a shiver from my chest radiating within a millisecond to the rest of my body giving brief goosebumps of defeat (defeat? -Stupid!)

I came back home really hungry. I didn't had enough and proper food to eat and I just can't order from outside *you obviously know it Kitty* I was hungry but I still continued eating the whatsoever left until my stomach stopped yelling and calmed a little. I was tired but I still continued reading like I just ate two chicken sandwiches and had a goood nap (bloody! )

And here, after a Lil peaceful ride with Fred, I landed in my room and lied for a while.

(that's when everything got started to ruin...)

**idiot, stop breaking and shaking and go and read for tomorrow's exam! ** -

**Just stop, please**

And then, I thought to check something out for dinner and I rummaged through the kitchen. There was nothing except perhaps two morsels of burnt rice and that's it. I suddenly become very angry (my eyes are blurring, I can't see anything. I just know I'm holding you and the pen) I really was hungry and am so much hungry and they didn't cook anything for me. At least could have left some! *I'm gasping and shaking- help me*

And then I shouted at Jacqueline. She bloody was at home the entire day and had nothing to do. I even pressed my own and Fred's clothes this morning after getting up five in morning. **You shouldn't be feeling this way ya know for something so trivial (trivial?) Fuck, you're damn oversensitive**

Freya was a bit free too. She came from work at two in afternoon- with enough time till 'nine in evening' to do all the things and at least make something for me! How can they be so uncaring? I do a lot when I'm at home, starting from cooking for all of them, pressing their clothes occasionally, dusting the furniture and mopping the floor to cleaning the washrooms! I know...I didn't do that in a while lot but I did whenever I can, _even_ w-when I'd t-time, but NO ENERGY in my body.

I'm no beautiful with a good looking body either (unlike them *I'm not jealous*)- just thin and skinny.

It wasn't the worst even when Jacqueline started fighting back, arguing and we almost going ballistic and picking faults of each other. Freya joined and okay, didn't shouted but blamed me. Said, I could prepare something for myself. I'm old enough. The kitchen is not devoid of anything.

.

.

It still wasn't the worst. We almost were telling at each other and still. I was telling her she could have done it rather than watching those movies and care for a little sister she has! (still)

My shoutings and shootings stopped when Camryn showed up and gave me an annoyed look. She rashly scolded me and plainly said, "Hils, I'm sorry but you're wrong sweetheart. This isn't exactly our duty and responsibility to prepare something for you everyday till you return. Please get something to eat for yourself! "

I didn't reply and just stared at her, not believing that my eldest and favorite sister was saying this. I remember Jacqueline giving a bored jaded look before going inside while maybe Freya rolled her eyes before disappearing to her room. I didn't know what to say. I just nodded like I got her, and turned and headed. For seconds, I wasn't sure where to head, but then I felt her eyes were still on my back, so I headed to the kitchen like I was going to make something for myself. I lazily rummaged through the fridge and the counter, my mind not concentrating on anything what's there to eat or I could make for myself but the flashback of minutes back replaying in my mind continously.

My heart was beating. I could hear it.

When I realized that I couldn't concentrate on anything and Cam was inside her room, I slowly left and came to my room, shutting it softly before locking it.

...

Nothing have changed. It was same when mom was there and now- when she's not there.

I just know this lying down will only deteorite tomorrow. I better get something to eat. I vaguely remember there was some bread pack in fridge and last night, there was some chicken left. I don't know if it's still there in a corner of fridge or not. Yea, there's some cheese. I should probably make some coffee too. Kitty, I'll revise that last chapter of chemistry now till- okay what's the time- yeah, it's quarter to eleven. I'll study Chem till one and revise biology in morning hours. Where's my phone...I've to charge it for alarm as well...

Important Conclusions of today:

-I'm okay

-I should keep my anger in check.

-Stop being bloody oversensitive.

\- Study harder. Please try

.

.

Critical/emotional conclusions of today:

\- I can't hurt my own people or do bad to them when they hurt me.

-I've to do my duties and works of home and fulfil my responsibilities (which includes doing some of 'their' works as well) like I'm impervious. I can't say I'm not hell doing it. That will spoil and stop/disturb the routines of everyone.

-Your feelings and responsibilities are two DIFFERENT things. *don't mix them*

-I can't remove them from my life, but no one can stop me from removing them from my heart. They have built a pretty good wall of hatred that seems unbreakable.

-My life is not a story to have a proper and happy ending.

-Reality is different than stories. Good endings and smiles at the end of the day can be read or written; they never happen.

\- My diary entry at the end needn't need to have a happy ending ya know...

 **Hey there everyone. I just thought to update this since it's been a while I touched this fic. Hope that was fine and believable. Lol, tell me your thoughts in reviews. Thanks a lot to all the previous reviewers. You guys are the best *I mean it!* xD**


	4. Chapter 4

24th Dec, 2018

Dear Kitty,

I thought to let go of him. I didn't have any idea if he liked me back. There was initial general prediction that he had feelings for me as well no matter how teensy they were. After he went out with Julia and Matilda, my heart broke.

My friends, that is Salima, Mariah and Mariam said that he just likes to be friends and didn't like the concept of love. Yeah, that flower was just a friendly way. The most mature of us, Mariam explained me gently on phone yesterday.

I at least came to know they weren't feelings for me from his side. I sighed. I thought a couple if times to let go of him and it worked well also, but then he came in my mind softly. Why...why Tyson had to be this charming? I wondered. People said that he was playful and open up few years back but then, a little introvercy was eminent in general perception of me and everyone else. He was sweet, smiled, didn't talked much, and was okay. He wasn't so mad about anything. We had a fine friendship budding in the start which by the concept of feelings was destroyed and there was a general hidden negligence between us. There was such a gap in our Roll numbers and we still were seated so close in the exams, at least two out of four. I didn't speak, he spoke first, asking me an answer. Fortunately I knew the answer and I said him immediately after which my paper was snatched.

I wanted to forget him, feel nothing different in his presence and just be my cool self addicted to songs and stories. I don't know why and when be over him. Why I had to like him? Why every thing in me about him had to be complicated? Why so many expectations? Is it possible for me to let go of him this readily and early? Will I be capable of making this easy?

I needed a confider and Mariam wasn't always there and I hated that. She was way too busy with Ozuma and her successful relationship with him was so sweet to hear at anytime. We were close but deep down, I wanted to say everything that was in my head about him. But I'm holding on and letting go. I'm just ignoring like I'm so impervious and bloody not hurt.

There are so many years still I'm with him and if destiny has decided to bring us together, then no body can stop or else no body can help it!

I'll be fine, I'll be okay. I'll let go of him and keep hope that life will go on fine without me haunting him in my mind as the life proceeds and look for betterment in life. Now that I know this feelings are totally one sided, I don't give a darn to feel anything anymore.

New year's coming. I'm wondering what's the most appropriate thing that should be done on it. Like, should I enjoy, should we plan for outing, should I study on that day or what? I began collecting money for gifts in January. This month is hell adventurous and trust me, it won't be that simple like I'm thinking it'll be. We have three birthdays and New year's eve coming up.

I'll just go and eat something for now and then plan for new year's..


End file.
